A fight between two halves of one couple is not a coming-to-blows where one person is a winner and the other is a loser. A fight is the revelation of something in your relationship that can be strengthened. If there is a problem, a couple should try to come together to fix it and to put it to bed.
We are known for fighting from our Twitter account, @WeFoughtAbout, but luckily we are even better at making up. We’re great at making up because we know the most important thing about couplehood: It has to be OK to disagree. Once you’ve got that established, the fights that come up can be resolved however each couple feels most comfortable doing it. Here are a few basics that may work fairly well (spoiler alert: they’re almost all about communication):
1. Take a Knee and Talk It Out
Coming to a resolution without communication is like when you spend the time to wash and dry your clothes but don’t neatly fold them and put them away (please tell me y’all have that problem), so you did all that work and then when you get dressed one morning your blue shirt is still full of wrinkles and you’re mad about it! Just because everyone has calmed does not mean that the problem is resolved. Make sure that the issue is settled (and the clothes folded, ironed, and put on hangers) before you move on.
Coming to a resolution without communication is like when you spend the time to wash and dry your clothes but don’t neatly fold them and put them away (please tell me y’all have that problem), so you did all that work and then when you get dressed one morning your blue shirt is still full of wrinkles and you’re mad about it! Just because everyone has calmed does not mean that the problem is resolved. Make sure that the issue is settled (and the clothes folded, ironed, and put on hangers) before you move on.
2. Just Do It?
We aren’t here to talk to you about makeup sex. We’re just going to point you in the direction of Prince’s early work. We most certainly are not talking about makeup sex though. It won’t fix what caused your fight and will only incentivize “startin’ somethin’.” You have to save the celebration for when the game is actually won.
We aren’t here to talk to you about makeup sex. We’re just going to point you in the direction of Prince’s early work. We most certainly are not talking about makeup sex though. It won’t fix what caused your fight and will only incentivize “startin’ somethin’.” You have to save the celebration for when the game is actually won.
3. Surprise!
Delight your partner with a flash-mob dance and put it online: Wait. No. That’s proposals. Don’t propose as an apology. Could that be any more Chandler from Friends? But hey, bringing home cupcakes for dessert has never not ended a fight. Just saying.
Delight your partner with a flash-mob dance and put it online: Wait. No. That’s proposals. Don’t propose as an apology. Could that be any more Chandler from Friends? But hey, bringing home cupcakes for dessert has never not ended a fight. Just saying.
4. Backtrack Through the Fight
Sometimes the things that are bothering us are small and amplified by context. Other times there are things we have left unsaid that are the real cause of the disagreement. Either way, you will learn more about the way you handle conflicts as a couple and as individuals if you deconstruct the argument in a play-by-play. What could have been said or done more effectively? What did this or that seemingly harmless jab make you feel? What were you really thinking when you made that outrageous claim? This will help you better communicating issues in the future and will preemptively eliminate some fights before they happen. Just don’t get sucked back into the same fight. This should be a discussion about procedure, not what caused the argument to start with.
Sometimes the things that are bothering us are small and amplified by context. Other times there are things we have left unsaid that are the real cause of the disagreement. Either way, you will learn more about the way you handle conflicts as a couple and as individuals if you deconstruct the argument in a play-by-play. What could have been said or done more effectively? What did this or that seemingly harmless jab make you feel? What were you really thinking when you made that outrageous claim? This will help you better communicating issues in the future and will preemptively eliminate some fights before they happen. Just don’t get sucked back into the same fight. This should be a discussion about procedure, not what caused the argument to start with.
5. Forgiveness and Onward
A resolved fight should never be treated as ammunition. If someone is loading the dishwasher wrong and they do it a million times, then by all means talk about it a million times. But if it happened once and got talked out properly, it shouldn’t become evidence or an excuse in a future conversation. When something comes up more than once, treat it as a new feeling. Maybe the issue never got the closure it needed the first time around, or maybe the issue represents a general feeling that is more important than the thing itself. Moving forward may get hard at times, but it’s always better than going in circles.
A resolved fight should never be treated as ammunition. If someone is loading the dishwasher wrong and they do it a million times, then by all means talk about it a million times. But if it happened once and got talked out properly, it shouldn’t become evidence or an excuse in a future conversation. When something comes up more than once, treat it as a new feeling. Maybe the issue never got the closure it needed the first time around, or maybe the issue represents a general feeling that is more important than the thing itself. Moving forward may get hard at times, but it’s always better than going in circles.
6. THIS.
SOURCE- Claire Meyer and Alan Linic
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